Needy, Needy

Hands Holding Embracing Loving Heart Love

When she was upset, she would get a long-suffering look on her face, her eyes would fill with tears, and she would slowly leave the area with her head down. Jackson, being a highly sensitive child, felt his mother’s neediness for a pull on him to find a way to fix her, and he would instantly feel guilty because he did not know how. By the time Jackson was four, he’d learned to completely shut down as his way of not feeling responsible for his mother’s feelings.

The moment a woman abandons herself, which then creates the empty hole of neediness, he feels helpless and shuts down. He ends up feeling trapped in the relationship and can not wait to get out. Whatever good feelings he had for the woman at the beginning soon evaporate due to his shutting down to avoid feeling guilty and trapped.

Jackson Wants To Get Married And Have Children, But The Idea Of Commitment Terrifies Him

The problem is that Jackson has not yet developed a loving adult self who is capable of not taking responsibility for a woman’s feelings. One aspect of his ego wounded self feels responsible for his partner’s feelings, while the other aspect of his injured self shuts down, to not feel guilty and trapped by this duty. Until Jackson develops a loving adult self, capable of letting go of responsibility for his partner’s feelings, and is capable of taking loving care of himself in the face of his partner’s neediness, he’ll continue to shut down as his only way of feeling protected from guilt and engulfment.

The other issue for Jackson is that he has not validated his experience of another’s emotional self-abandonment. Since his mother’s self-abandonment was callous – no overt guilt-inducing remarks at all – Jackson has had trouble acknowledging when he believes the subtle pull of neediness. He’s never been attracted to girls that are overtly demanding, like women that are angry, blaming or critical. His relationships have been with apparently open and loving women. Yet energetically, these women are abandoning themselves, just as Jackson is abandoning himself. After all, as I have often stated, we come together at our common level of self-abandonment or self-love.

Jackson is abandoning himself with his lack of validation of his own feelings and experience, and his consequent withdrawal, while the women he chooses are abandoning themselves in much the same way his mother did – not attending to their own feelings and waiting for Jackson to meet their needs. Until Jackson validates his own experience and learns to look after himself, as opposed to shutting down in the face of feeling responsible for his partner’s feelings, he won’t be able to form a committed relationship.

Letting Go Of Responsibility For Another’s Feelings

Because Jackson is sensitive to another’s emotional self-abandonment, it is vital that he heal his view that he is responsible for another’s feelings. It is not realistic for him to think he can find a woman who’ll never emotionally leave herself, since everybody, occasionally, will emotionally abandon themselves.

When Jackson gets himself off the hook of believing that he is responsible for a woman’s feelings, then he will be free to remain open hearted, even when his spouse emotionally abandons herself.

Jackson will become free to develop a committed relationship when he takes caring for his own feelings and lets go of responsibility for another’s feelings.

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